Wow, I’ve been MIA from my blog lately. I can’t believe the last time I posted was towards the beginning of June, and it’s already July. Time seems to be going so fast, yet so slow at the same time.
Anyway, I just wanted to write an update. Nothing exciting has happened in my life, but I want to post about something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. For the past 2 months or so, I’ve been juggling the idea of trying an antidepressant medication after my nutritionist, therapist, and doctor all agreed it would be a good idea.
I have taken medication before for a few years, when I was much younger, because I had OCD fairly bad. Through the years, the OCD has persisted, but I’ve also developed social anxiety, anxiety around food, anxiety about driving, and anxiety around life in general. This anxiety has interfered with my life in many ways, and in a sense, left me paralyzed. Everytime I do try to face my fears, I become so anxious that I just detach. I feel so out of it, and I cannot seem to bring myself back down to the present moment. In fact, I rarely feel in the present moment. My mind is constantly filled with a million different thoughts, and that makes it hard to think clearly. And as much as I think I should be able to control this, I just cannot seem to do it
Today was my first day taking the antidepressant. I’m not going to lie, coming to this decision was very tough for me. I am one of those people who avoids taking medication at all costs (I take an ibuprofen maybe 5 times a year). I have many fears about this…what if I have terrible side effects? What if I feel emotionally numb (this is something I currently struggle with anyway)? What if this changes my personality? I feel like I have failed. I hate feeling like I am taking a medication to “control” my thoughts. But the truth is, my anxiety is controlling me now. It has been controlling me for the past several years.
So after thinking it over a lot, I realize that I need to at least give this a try. Trusting others is something that is very hard for me to do, but I’m trying to trust my doctor and nutritionist’s recommendations. I know that a medication, even if it works, is not going to cure me. There is still going to be plenty of hard work involved. But maybe this will at least be something to help keep me afloat so that I can begin swimming towards shore. I’m trying to be at peace with my decision, and have faith that no matter what happens, I will be able to handle it.
Well, that’s my update. Not too exciting, I know. I hope to get back to blogging more, because I really do feel like it’s a good outlet for me. I hope you are all having a good week and I will update again soon.