Thoughts on a Rainy Sunday

The fact that it is rainy out today has nothing to do with this post. Really, I just couldn’t think of a title for all the rambling I’m about to do.

I haven’t posted in awhile even though I’ve been wanting to. The truth is, I’ve been struggling. The past few weeks, it seems like I am “stuck” in the same place, and I can’t move forward. I haven’t been moving backwards, I just can’t seem to push myself to keep going with recovery. I’ve been wondering why it is I am stuck all of a sudden, when I was doing so well before. Then it hit me; I am scared.

I’m realizing that I am not really afraid of gaining weight or being a certain weight. I am not really afraid of food or calories.  What I am really afraid of is change. I am essentially afraid of life. Over the past six years or so, I’ve used the eating disorder as a way to cope. It’s been my security blanket, and I’ve hid behind it so that I didn’t have to deal with life. Now that I’m in the process of leaving it behind, it’s really frightening.

There are many things I want in life. I want to make friends, have hobbies, graduate college, have a career, get married, have babies and be a mom…the list goes on and on. Just this morning in church, there was a young couple sitting in front of us with the cutest little baby boy. Ten years from now, I want to be married to a wonderful guy and having kids and being a mom. I want that so badly. I know that if I remain in the place I’m at right now, though, that probably won’t be possible for me. Many of the things I want in life won’t be possible for me if I am still sick.

When I think about why it is I want to get better, my answer, in a nutshell, is possibilities. I want to recover so that I can have a chance at having all the things that I really want, the things that will make me truly happy. The sad truth is that life with an eating disorder does not afford many possibilties. It is incredibly limiting. If I choose to remain sick, I know what my life will entail; self-hatred, misery, lonliness, isolation, sadness. I don’t want my life to be that way. As terrifying as recovery seems right now, I feel like I don’t have much to lose.

 

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8 thoughts on “Thoughts on a Rainy Sunday

  1. I can relate so so well to not wanting to let go of the security blanket that an ED is. To the logical mind – I knew it needed to be done if I wanted something better, but I was so scared of my life without it. But the more you think about it, the more you realize that an ED is like an abusive relationship. As horrible as it is in the moment, you are scared of leaving because you can’t imagine anything better. But there it gets SO much better, and deep inside your heart you know that. So keep fighting, keep reminding yourself of all your goals and things you can accomplish. And then go for it, because everything is possible as long as you keep fighting.

    • Thank you for this beautiful message. I really needed to hear this, especially today. I’ve become so comfortable living with an eating disorder that I don’t know how I’ll cope without it. But I do know that I’m not happy the way I am now. Thank you again for the reassurance that it DOES get better. I know you are still fighting your battles, but you have come such a long way and I truly admire you for your strength and determination in fighting this ❤

  2. I really love what you said in your last paragraph. I, too, want to have a great future, and if I just let myself stay in the same mindset and habits that I am now, I might not get to experience those things. But I think we’re both strong enough to fight for our possibilities!

  3. When I’m having a hard time, it really does help me to think of the things I want for my future. I KNOW for a fact that you are strong enough to overcome this and enjoy the endless possibilities that are in store for you. Keep fighting and if you ever need to chat or vent to somone, you know where to find me 🙂

  4. Carli, you will continue to make progress and the fact that you recognize this stand-still at the moment means that you are capable of progress. Changes usually don’t occur because you are ready for them, you usually have to make the behavioral change for a long time before you start believing that such a change is worth it. Take the dive and upon figuring out how to swim, you’ll have the confidence to swim again. Continue to make action in the direction of health whenever you remember. Those steps will add up. And also remember that sometimes sitting on your hands and doing absolutely nothing is the best thing that you can do in the moment. With lots of love from a place far away. Katrina

    • Katrina, thank you so much for this sweet comment. It means a lot to hear that you believe I’m capable of progress. Also, thank you for reminding me that we sometimes need to make a change before seeing that it is truly worth it and wonderful. I often have a hard time believing that I will truly be happier if I recover, but I will never know unless I try.

      Thank you for the encouragement, and keep pushing forward, Katrina. You have such a beautiful soul and are so intelligent, and I have all the faith in the world that you will overcome your struggles.

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