The fact that it is rainy out today has nothing to do with this post. Really, I just couldn’t think of a title for all the rambling I’m about to do.
I haven’t posted in awhile even though I’ve been wanting to. The truth is, I’ve been struggling. The past few weeks, it seems like I am “stuck” in the same place, and I can’t move forward. I haven’t been moving backwards, I just can’t seem to push myself to keep going with recovery. I’ve been wondering why it is I am stuck all of a sudden, when I was doing so well before. Then it hit me; I am scared.
I’m realizing that I am not really afraid of gaining weight or being a certain weight. I am not really afraid of food or calories. What I am really afraid of is change. I am essentially afraid of life. Over the past six years or so, I’ve used the eating disorder as a way to cope. It’s been my security blanket, and I’ve hid behind it so that I didn’t have to deal with life. Now that I’m in the process of leaving it behind, it’s really frightening.
There are many things I want in life. I want to make friends, have hobbies, graduate college, have a career, get married, have babies and be a mom…the list goes on and on. Just this morning in church, there was a young couple sitting in front of us with the cutest little baby boy. Ten years from now, I want to be married to a wonderful guy and having kids and being a mom. I want that so badly. I know that if I remain in the place I’m at right now, though, that probably won’t be possible for me. Many of the things I want in life won’t be possible for me if I am still sick.
When I think about why it is I want to get better, my answer, in a nutshell, is possibilities. I want to recover so that I can have a chance at having all the things that I really want, the things that will make me truly happy. The sad truth is that life with an eating disorder does not afford many possibilties. It is incredibly limiting. If I choose to remain sick, I know what my life will entail; self-hatred, misery, lonliness, isolation, sadness. I don’t want my life to be that way. As terrifying as recovery seems right now, I feel like I don’t have much to lose.