Thoughts on a Rainy Sunday

The fact that it is rainy out today has nothing to do with this post. Really, I just couldn’t think of a title for all the rambling I’m about to do.

I haven’t posted in awhile even though I’ve been wanting to. The truth is, I’ve been struggling. The past few weeks, it seems like I am “stuck” in the same place, and I can’t move forward. I haven’t been moving backwards, I just can’t seem to push myself to keep going with recovery. I’ve been wondering why it is I am stuck all of a sudden, when I was doing so well before. Then it hit me; I am scared.

I’m realizing that I am not really afraid of gaining weight or being a certain weight. I am not really afraid of food or calories.  What I am really afraid of is change. I am essentially afraid of life. Over the past six years or so, I’ve used the eating disorder as a way to cope. It’s been my security blanket, and I’ve hid behind it so that I didn’t have to deal with life. Now that I’m in the process of leaving it behind, it’s really frightening.

There are many things I want in life. I want to make friends, have hobbies, graduate college, have a career, get married, have babies and be a mom…the list goes on and on. Just this morning in church, there was a young couple sitting in front of us with the cutest little baby boy. Ten years from now, I want to be married to a wonderful guy and having kids and being a mom. I want that so badly. I know that if I remain in the place I’m at right now, though, that probably won’t be possible for me. Many of the things I want in life won’t be possible for me if I am still sick.

When I think about why it is I want to get better, my answer, in a nutshell, is possibilities. I want to recover so that I can have a chance at having all the things that I really want, the things that will make me truly happy. The sad truth is that life with an eating disorder does not afford many possibilties. It is incredibly limiting. If I choose to remain sick, I know what my life will entail; self-hatred, misery, lonliness, isolation, sadness. I don’t want my life to be that way. As terrifying as recovery seems right now, I feel like I don’t have much to lose.


Failure Is Not Fatal

This past week has been rough in terms of recovery. My head has been filled with thoughts that I know are irrational and unhelpful, yet I cannot seem to shake them off. I haven’t been giving my 100% to recovery. I feel as if I am stuck, and am afraid to move forward. But as scared as I am to keep pushing forward, I am more afraid to stay this way forever.

Tomorrow is the start of a brand new week. Yes, the past week may not have been the best, but that doesn’t mean I have to continue this way. I can pick myself up and get back on the horse. I can try harder this week. I will try harder this week. I will meet my meal plan, take care of myself, and do my best to let go of any negative thoughts. I don’t have to be perfect, but I do need to try my best.

I am going to make tomorrow a better day. I cannot – no, I won’t – give up now. I am way too stubborn to give up this easily.



Versatile Blogger Award

Thank you for all of the get -well wishes for my grandfather! Luckily, his issue wasn’t a heart problem like the doctors originally thought. It turned out to be his gallbladder (which he unfortunately had to have removed). He is at home now and recovering from his surgery, and is thankfully doing a lot better! He’s had a really rough year health-wise, so hopefully he continues to get stronger and healthier every day.

I was planning to write a post about some struggles and thoughts I’ve been having lately, but decided to save that for another day. Monday is too early in the week to cover such deep topics, don’t you think? Plus, I remembered that this beautiful girl nominated me for the Versatile Blogger Award about a month ago (thanks, Liz!). I’m a sucker for these types of surveys and think they’re a lot of fun, plus I need a distraction from my anxiety. Hopefully this isn’t too boring to read, and helps you get to know me a little better!


The rules:

#1 – Thank the blogger who nominated you and include a link to their site.

#2 – Copy and paste the award to your blog.

#3 – Share 7 random facts about yourself.

#4 – Nominate 5 bloggers and include links to their sites as well.

#5 – Let the other bloggers know that you have nominated them.

Fact #1: I cannot leave the house without my hand sanitizer.

Ok, while this is probably partly due to my OCD, I am a self-confessed germaphobe. I always carry a little bottle of hand sanitizer around with me in my purse. Even when I was little, I always had some in my backpack or desk at school.  In fact, I once cried in kindergarten when I realized that I had forgotten my hand sanitizer at home. Thankfully, I don’t do that anymore (haha), but I still do like to have some with me. You just never know when you’re going to run into a germy situation!

hand sanitizerSpeaking of germy situations…

Fact #2: I once fell into a muddy creek in front of my entire class.

This was hands down the most embarassing thing that ever happened to me. My ninth grade biology class went down to the creek by my school to collect water samples or something. I decided that it would be a good idea to use a tree branch that was situated over the creek to get to the other side (the creek was not wide or deep at all…it was more like a little stream). Anyway, I slipped off the log, and well, you can figure out the rest. I literally had mud ALL over me, and the worst part was that the entire class saw me fall in. Luckily, my mom was kind enough to bring me a change of clothes, and I had to go wash up in the nurse’s office. You better believe I was wishing for my hand sanitizer then!

Fact #3: I always toast my bread.

I honestly don’t like the doughy texture of untoasted bread, so I always toast it first!

Fact #4: I can do a split.

I’m not super flexible or anything, but I can do a full split on my right side. I’ve been able to do this since my dancing days, but I practice almost every day to make sure I don’t lose it. I’ve also been practicing my left-side and center splits, so hopefully I’ll be able to do those one day as well.

Fact #5: I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

Well, I do have some idea, but I’m not entirely sure. I am majoring in psychology because I find it so fascinating and feel like there is so much to learn. I plan to go to graduate school, but I’m not sure what I want to go for. I’ve thought of being a guidance counselor, teacher, therapist, or even going into research. It really bothers me that I don’t know exactly what I want to do with my life, but I am hoping that I will figure it out!
When I grow up

Fact #6: I do not like to drive.

I actually have a fear of it. I am usually okay with driving somewhere if I’ve driven there many times before (like to school), but otherwise, I get really anxious. I actually didn’t get my license until a week before I turned twenty. I didn’t even want to get it then, but my mom kind of forced me into it, haha.

Fact #7: I absolutely love being in the woods.

I’ve decided that I want my house to be in a wooded area.  While it would be nice to have a house near the beach or something, I would defintiely prefer to have a house in the woods. I just love taking long, peaceful walks alone in the woods. It gives me time to clear my head.

Woods and sun

There you have it! Seven facts about me. Hopefully you didn’t find that too boring. I’m supposed to nominate other bloggers to do the survey, but this has been around for awhile and I’m not sure who all has done it and who hasn’t. So if you see this and you want to do the survey, I am nominating you!

Now tell me a little about you…What is your dream job? What’s one thing you can never leave the house without?