Frequent Flyer

This post is going to be short because I am exhausted. I flew back into PA earlier this morning. It was a good flight and everything, but there is just something about flying that makes me so tired! I don’t mind the actual flying part so much, I just don’t like going through the airport and everything. And I feel like I just flew a few weeks ago (oh that’s right, I did). Hopefully I’ll at least be earning some frequent flyer miles! 🙂

Anyway, it is definitely nice to be back “home” with my dad and sisters, but it’s bittersweet because I feel like I’m not supposed to be here right now. I am supposed to be in school. And I already miss my mother terribly. I am very close with her and she is a huge support system for me, even despite the fact that she’s going through her own issues with depression and alcohol. But she assured me that even though she won’t be with my physically, she is only a phone call away if I ever want to talk about anything. I feel so lucky that I have such a loving and supportive family, and am incredibly grateful for that.

My mom and I spent a lot of time together before I left...we baked these adorable Valentine brownies.

My mom and I spent a lot of time together before I left…we baked these adorable Valentine brownies.

I am still questioning whether or not I am doing the right thing by taking time off school, but I know that I am. My health comes first, and school will always be there. I just need to move forward and use this time to get better. I have my first appointment with a nutritionist tomorrow morning, and I am so nervous. But I know it is the right thing, and I am really ready and willing to receive help for this. I’ll let you guys know how it goes!

And now I will leave you with a picture I took the other day  before I left Florida. I made sure to soak up all the sun I could before I left…I’m definitely not a fan of the snow and cold, but spring will be here soon enough!

palm tree

The Beginning of 2013 & and Update

I can’t believe I haven’t posted since just after Christmas and before the New Year. I hope that everyone’s 2013 is off to a great start. If I’m being honest, the first few weeks of 2013 have been rough for me so far, which is what I wanted to talk about today. I’ve been meaning to post about this for a few days now, but haven’t been able to find the right words.

Unfortunately, I am not able to go to school this semester. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that I absolutely love school. As lame as this sounds, school is my life. Sadly, I am on medical leave for this semester. This was actually more of my parents’ and doctor’s choice than it was mine.

Right now, I am not in a good place as far as ED recovery goes, especially weight-wise. In fact, I am the lowest I’ve been in awhile. My anxiety is also the worst it’s ever been. The past year or two has been really stressful for me for various reasons, and I have neglected my health and my recovery. On top of that, my doctor discovered that something is wrong with my thyroid, which she thinks may be contributing to my weight issues. I’ve had a few tests done and am scheduled to meet with a specialist in about a month.

So because all of this, my parents thought it would be best to take some time off school to focus on getting my health back. My parents actually wanted me to get inpatient treatment. I seriously considered it and almost did, but chickened out at the last minute. Was that a smart decision? I still don’t know. Instead, I am flying back home to my dad’s and am going to work with a therapist/nutritionist there.

I’ve been trying to figure out how I feel about all of this, but I can’t really sum it up because I’m feeling so many different things. I feel defeated and angry with myself because I let my eating disorder take school away from me. I feel embarassed that I could not handle school and taking care of myself at the same time. I feel guilty and lazy for not being in school. I feel afraid of the task of gaining weight that I know needs to happen.

But amidst all of this, I feel hopeful, maybe even excited. I know life has more to offer than what I’ve been living, and I am hopeful that I will soon find that. As afraid as I am of gaining weight, I am excited to see how it feels to live in a healthy body. I am excited to be able to do things that I cannot do right now because I feel too weak. Although I feel down right now, I am hopeful that things will only get better from here. And I am just trying to hold onto that little bit of hope.