Happy Saturday, everyone! How was your Halloween? Unfortunately, I was swamped with homework on Wednesday, so I didn’t get to partake in any Halloween festivities. I did carve pumpkins last weekend though! My sister, Emily, is here visiting and will be here until December, when she and I fly back up north to be with my dad for Christmas. Emily graduated high school last year, but wasn’t sure what to do as far as college was concerned so she decided to take a year off (I did the same thing). I am just so happy that she is here with me! My sisters are my best friends.
The pumpkins Emily and I carved. Em’s is the cat on the left, and mine is the monkey on the right. (By the way, we used patterns…I am definitely NOT that skilled).
And even though I didn’t get to dress up, my mom and sister dressed up as hippies to give out candy haha. And my dog, Macy, dressed up too!
Macy was a hot dog for Halloween! Not very original, I know. This picture was actually from a few years ago, but she wore the same exact costume this year!
Just a warning in advance, the rest of this post is going to be kind of serious. I don’t want to make this blog a place where I pour out all of my negative thoughts, but I want to be honest about where I’m at in my life, and right now, I’m not doing so good. As I mentioned before, I’ve been super busy with school this week. I had two big tests to study for, tons of assignments due, and I had to meet with my advisor about scheduling for next semester. Actually, I’ve been pretty busy this whole semester. And unfortunately, I’ve been neglecting my health.
My weight is down pretty low, about at the point I had to go inpatient when I was 17 years old. I haven’t done this intentionally. I feel like I haven’t even noticed myself slipping until now. Maybe I’ve been too busy with school to notice or maybe I just didn’t want to admit I was slipping, bu my mom and sister have really brought this to my attention. They are worried and scared for me. And to be honest, I am really scared too.
I want to make it clear that I am eating. I have been doing the best I can with making sure I eat at least 5 or 6 times per day. I try to eat smaller portions more often because my stomach has a difficult time handling much food. Which brings me to something else that’s been worrying me lately; my stomach problems. I have had a very nervous stomach for years. I don’t always have excrutiating pain, but it never feels good. I always feel so bloated and full, and never have much of an appetite. And I’ve been dealing with constipation too, which is just miserable. This past week, I have seen bright red blood in my stool (sorry, TMI I know), and my mom and I are both really worried. She wants me to schedule an appointment with a gastroenterologist, but I am afraid they will recommend a colonoscopy, which I am terrified to have done. But I am also terrified that something is wrong with me.
So all of this just has me really afraid. I know that I need to make some big changes in my life and start taking better care of myself. I know I need to pick it up with my eating and start gaining weight, otherwise I may need to ask for extra help. I don’t want to go inpatient, but if that’s what it’s going to take, I may have to consider it. And even though my stomach is causing me a lot of distress, I cannot use that as an excuse to not gain weight.
I am really sorry this post wasn’t very uplifting, but I wanted to be honest and get my feelings out there. Thank you if you read through all of that. Hopefully my next post will be a little happier. Have a great weekend, everyone.