The Newest (Furry) Member of the Family

Happy Friday!!! Hope your weekends are off to a great start! I’ve been wanting to share some good news, but just haven’t had much time to write up a post. On Labor Day weekend, the Petco near our house was having an adoption day. My mom had been wanting another cat for awhile now (we already have one dog and one cat), so we went over there to check it out. My mom immediately fell in love with this little guy…

…and he is now officaially a part of the family!!!

My mom decided to name him “Giuseppe”. I know, it’s a pretty strange name for a cat, but she loves naming her cats Italian names (our other cat’s name is Luigi). My family is Italian, and my mom’s grandfather’s name was Giuseppe, so I guess it’s pretty cool! We call him “Zeppi” for short.

When we first brought him home, he was a little shy and cautious. On the first day we had him, we couldn’t find him anywhere! My mom and I searched all over the house, and we finally found him…snuggled up with some of my mom’s Boyd’s bears collectibles!

Can you spot the kitty?

There he is!!!

While he was a bit shy at first, he warmed up to us pretty quick! He is such a sweet little boy! He loves to snuggle and have his belly rubbed. Anytime I sit on the couch, he immediately comes up onto my lap and starts purring! He is also so beautiful! His coat is shiny and healthy, and he has the coolest spots on his coat!

Look at those spots!

He’s also super silly, and loves to play! It’s so funny to watch kittens play…they will play with just about anything! He even plays with his own tail sometimes! He’s also now best friends with our other cat, Luigi. I will introduce my other pets in a different post sometime. If I did it all in one post, I think your computers might explode with cuteness! 🙂

I am so glad Guiseppe is a part of our family, and even happier that we adopted him from a rescue league. It feels good knowing that we are giving him a good home. It makes me sad to think there are so many homeless animals out there, but I am so glad that there are rescue leagues like the one we adopted Zeppi from. All of the cats they adopted out were up to date on their shots and spayed/neutered, and we just had to pay a small adoption fee. It’s so great that people devote their time (and money) to finding good homes for stray animals.

Questions!!! Do you have any pets? Are you more of a cat or dog person? (It’s ok if you can’t choose…it’s a hard decision for me too!)

The Hardest Part is Letting Go

I think I’ve kind of been alluding to this in my past few posts, but I haven’t really been trying very hard in recovery. I’ve been doing ok, but not really making any progress. Yes, I have had a few small victories, but on an average day, I haven’t been challenging myself. I just feel stuck, and I think it has a lot to do with the stress I’ve been dealing with. I won’t go into too much detail, but things with my family and living situation have been rather rocky. I’m feeling a lot of uncertainty and anxiety, and I just don’t know how to deal with it.

Any time I am feeling stressed, I turn to my eating disorder for comfort. I realize how sick and disordered that is, but it’s true. When I am worried, I immediately feel the need to exert more control over my eating. And even now that I am aware of this, it is hard to change things.

For so long, I have used anorexia as a coping mechanism. Although it has numbed me from experiencing so much joy, it has also numbed me from some bad and stressful times. I have never known any other way to cope besides using my eating disorder. It has become a safety net, a security blanket. I am aware that giving into my eating disorder doesn’t solve anything, but it certainly makes me feel better, at least for the time being. If I can eat less and have all control over my food and my body, then I don’t seem to care what else goes on around me.

I know that there are other, healthier ways to deal with anxiety and stress. I know that my life is going to be full of stressors, some worse than the ones I am dealing with now. I know that life is never going to be perfect, and there will never be a perfect, stress-free time for me to recover. I know that my eating disorder solves nothing. If anything, it makes things worse. How can I think clearly and try to actively find solitions to my problems when I am not physically healthy? The answer is, I can’t.

I know all these things, and yet I cannot seem to let go of my eating disorder because of the temporary security it brings me. I am afraid I will never get better, unless I learn how to deal with stressful situations in a healthy way. I’m just not sure how to do that. The whole idea scares me. But I have worked too hard to just give up now. I am not a quitter, and I will not quit recovery because of these stressful events. Yes, they make recovering much more difficult. But if I am able to get better despite these less-than-perfect conditions, I will be that much stronger because of it.

“The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.”
-Walt Disney Company

Success!

This is going to be a short post, but I just wanted to pop in and say that I challenged myself at dinner tonight. When my mom said she was making pasta with sauce and meatballs, I started wishing that I could have meatballs with my pasta. You see, my eating disorder convinced me a while ago that red meat was “bad”. I read so many articles in “health” magazines condemning red meat, and despite the fact that I enjoyed it as a child, vowed never to touch it again. That and my OCD convinced me that if I ate red meat, I would get food poisoning.

Well tonight, I decided that enough was enough. After years of not eating any red meat (I cannot remember the last time I had any), I ate a meatball with my pasta. I know it seems like eating a little meatball is no big deal, but for me, it is. And not only did I eat it, but I enjoyed it. My mom’s homemade meatballs are delicious and I can’t believe I was missing out all this time. And even better, I felt like my mom was proud of me for challenging myself.

I know this post is kind of lame, but I am just proud of myself and wanted to share it. After playing things safe the last few weeks, I was overdue for some type of challenge and I succeeded. I wish I could write more tonight, but I have a test in my Women in US History class that I better get studying for. But I definitely hope to post again this week!

Good night 🙂

Reasons

I’ve been struggling lately in recovery. I haven’t been doing terrible, but I haven’t been doing great either. I haven’t been giving it my all, and I know I can do better. I want to do better. I want recovery so badly. This wasn’t the case a few years ago, or even last year for that matter. Sure, I still have days and moments where I am afraid to let go of my eating disorder, but I know that is not ME talking. That’s ED. But I can finally say that I really and truly do want to recover.

I am finally starting to realize that there are so many reasons to recover. A while back, I compiled a list of all the reasons why I want recovery, and I often refer back to them when I am having a difficult time. I’d like to share a few of these reasons with you, so here they are:

1. I want to be able to have kids someday, and be a good mother to them. Ever since I was young, I’ve always known that I want to be a mother. But I need my body (and mind) to be healthy enough before I can do this.

2. I want to feel strong and be proud of my body. I don’t want to feel ashamed of it anymore. I want confidence.

3. I want to be healthy. God has given me this one body, and I feel terrible that I have abused it so much. But it is not too late. It is never too late. I can be healthy again if I treat my body right.

4. I want to be more relaxed with my eating, and not be so worried about what/when/where I am going to eat.

5. I want to have energy and be able to think more clearly.

6. I want to be able to exercise not because I feel like I have to, but because I want to.

7. I want my hunger cues back.

8. I want to be able to help others who are going through similar struggles. But I know that before I can do this, I must be in a healthy mindset myself.

9. I want to find out who I really am. I do not want to be defined by a mental illness. I am so much more than that.

10. I don’t want this disorder to take my life. I often tell myself that this could never happen to me, but I know it can. This disorder can, and does, take lives. When I hear about someone losing their life to this, it makes me so incredibly sad. I pray that those who have passed are finally free of their struggles. But I do not want to leave this life yet. There is too much that I still want to accomplish, and I will not let ED take that away from me.